#realtalk

If you really knew me you would know I have a freckle in my left eye & left foot
I fall in love too fast & I suck at math
You would know
My dad has left 12 times & I can't remember the last time I was on time to first period
You would know I can't wait to get out of here but I secretly adore everything here

And if you really knew me you would know i'm Rylee Rogers

Oh and also, I'm for realz gonna miss Nelson

i remember, because cancer won't take him away from me.

i remember when i could sleep.

when we had our whole future planned and were counting down the days.

i remember when your head start hurting.

and the thought of a brain tumor never crossed my mind.

but it had definitely hit yours.
i remember the things we planned that now are blurry vision covered by X-rays.
i remember planning our wedding & the tears that would fall from your eyes.
i remember looking over the city arguing over what we wanted to name our kids.

i remember  you telling me you want to give me the world.

and now you may not be in this cruel world long enough  to do that.

i remember when you took my summer.

and i now i can't even decide if i want it back.

i remember our big  bed with the whitest sheets  that would  feel cool against our burning hearts.

i remember the night i ended it and how you still kissed me.

i remember you waited for my heart to figure itself out because i sure as hell couldn't.

nothing can take you away from my memory not even a million tumors.

i remember when i was 17 and didn't have to remember and only plan.

#blackout Think the World of Good

us girls have got to stick together

I believe us girls have got to stick together, but instead we do the opposite.
We all get our hearts broken over and over by boys but at the end of the day it's the other girls we take it out on.
I don't quite seem to understand why that is so when we've all heard "this is a man's world" and we still don't stop and fight and with every story we hear about the little girl crying in her room because her daddy didn't hit her mom with love but with anger and with every tear that streams down that 17 year old girls face because of every piece of her heart that boy broke when he got bored and decided to jump to another even though she was as faithful and sweet as can be but it doesn't matter to them because it's a man's world and this is a man's world. And I believe that respect needs to had for them but for in an equal way because do remember we are the reason why your little babies are in this world and the reason your little baby girl's tiny hand will squeeze your finger that is the same finger that belongs to your hand the hand that was laid across the mothers face and the hand that ripped the heart out of that 17 year old girl so do please remember boys the next time you see or feel that little baby girl hold on to your finger, rememeber that little baby girl that you would never harm will grow into girls like us. And girls remember the next time you call a girl a terrible name that, us girls have got to stick together.

dear old friend

Dear heart,

I don't quite understand. I know you're there but I don't feel you. I know you beat but I can't catch the rythm. Maybe after you got broken last April, you disappear. But I guess I didn't get the memo. I hope you come back. I know we've been through a lot and I don't mean to ignore you, I still believe that you people should follow your heart and not your head but I guess I need to do what I preach. I will rememeber you I promise. I'll see you soon.

xoxo, A.Y.

i believe

i believe you can find yourself somehow in nature.
and i know that sounds cliche.

but really find yourself, or at least find parts of who you used to be.
sometimes the simpleness of a stupid tree on a dusky morning can instantly bring back every memory you have of a day in your children.

every knee you scrapped that mom kissed.
and that one day you went exploring to a place outside you hadn't been that far yet.
and how excited you got over just that.

i believe nature can help us find who we are, who we were, and help us get a clearer image of who we want to be.

so why not i mean, go explore.

to the girls who

to the girls who all look the same

to the girls with the big white smiles who never think about the little poor ones that walk miles and miles dreaming of having your teeth.

to the girls who are worrying more about how many instagram likes they have rather than how many humans actually like your real hearts and not the fake orange heart that pops up on the bottom left side of your screen. 

to the girls who are tweeting till their fingers bleed just so maybe he will see and maybe you will fall in love and be as happy as she.

to the girls who think they are higher than most because of your posts.

when you look at me do you see me or do you see my follower number do i show up in your brain as a human with a beating heart or do you just think about profile.

as you go to the canyon with your fake friends just to take snaps on the expensive camera that you aren't even grateful your parents gave you and you snap and you snap do you ever think about more to life than outside of that apple phone.

and as you sit on your nice leather couch and listen to your parents judge others with their self righteous attitude as you stare at your phone and watch every orange heart as it pops up again and again and again and with each heart you feel your self esteem get filled more and more by each second with each like.

i feel sorry for you because, you're already dead.

6.

i'm afraid that   one of these times my lucky number will actually be on the back the fortune of my fortune cookie.

because then it might actually be real, and i won't really know what to do or think.

i'm afraid of waking up.

i'm afraid  of someone breaking in.

of the girl in that ring movie.

and i'm afraid of loving someone too much.

i fear his eyes & his hands

and the inability to say no.

and i'm afraid of  halloween

but not because of the holiday

but because i don't even have true enough friends to make a plan the night of halloween to be confident in it.

and that's  the saddest fear of them all.

so here's to friday night halloween of a popular 17 year old girl with her mom

because that is the most safe option of them all.

how to box

lift your fists up

higher, stronger.

don't forget your head also come on now, eyes up

are you okay? no no never mind you just need to be you just have to be

fight for your scary 17 year old love, punch

fight to take that first step out of your bed, swing

but make sure you ring the water out of your pillow before you leave for school

swing again, you have practice in 10 minutes. run.

you're not good enough you're not good enough, duck.

fix your hair they're looking

tighten your grip why are you slipping away

go ahead, yell until your head shakes, they still won't listen

fight if you love him, fight even if you can't talk to him, just fight.

you'll be alright darling

are you strong yet? wipe your tears

you have a test next period lets go college is coming

i want the world to stop

i need it to stop.

but oh wait you're still in the ring, watch out

keep swinging lovely, you don't really have a choice.

swing for the insomniacs, because tonight i'll be up with you.

i don't get it

               the most twisted logic ever,

the people who love you the most hurt you the worse.

   there are people who can barely eat but are five million times happier than I will ever be.

i don't even cross your mind while you are slowly crushing mine.

         on the outside is a smiling family, on the inside is the saddest thing you could ever see.

for every up there's a down.

                        you said forever & always but now we're just awkward glances in the hallways.

um why not

maybe being myself is different enough. maybe not. idk. but what i do know is

this is a gif. and i can't decide if i love or hate rain. or if i love being safe or spontaneous. 

i will be wearing this on my wedding day. if i even decide i can trust again enough.

yes i secretly wish i was a mermaid. why? because then i could actually be free for once from orders.

this is my favorite drink & biggest weakness, next to boys. but boys leave all the time & boba won't so.

i get more excited about a completely white bed than most anything in life. 

she is my favorite human being. and i truly believe that those words are the most truthful thing i live by.

do's & don'ts

things I don't know:

• what i want
• if we will win
• if we will get married like we plan
• if i can wait 2 years
• my standards on certain things
• if my mom is happy or sad
• if I'm okay or not
• math
• how to go to bed early
• how to wake up in the morning
• if i will move on

things I do know:

• tomorrow is monday
• i don't love mondays
• i am in love
• i have a beating heart
• i didn't kill anybody
• i have never smoked or drank
• i never will
• college changes people
• i like people who have made mistakes way more than people who haven't made as bad of mistakes
• we can win
• i love my mom
• it will be okay
• people aren't as terrible as i think they are
• i still love my dad
• i am successful
• i can still laugh
• it could have been worse
• it's okay to be a teenager every once in a while

the red brick house on the corner

"that red brick house on the corner" I say when people drive me home.

but what they don't know is that in that house is 

where I cried all night in my moms bed after he broke my heart.

where my sister's wedding was with the italian sodas that made me feel happiness when I saw my sister smile that whole day and remembered all the tears when she was growing up get washed away by one man.

where I ran through the sprinklers with my niece & nephew and their laughter was the soundtrack to my summer.

where my parents screamed so loud at each other the walls shook.

and where the place that will always have my heart.

why yes i'm in love

3 a.m. and I rolled over in my bed, bury my face in my white pillow and yelled because I thought maybe that would get the butterflies out. I love him. 4 months and 27 days later, I still yell in my pillow at 3 a.m. trying to get the butterflies out.

Yes I'm only 17, and yes we had our first kiss on the street curb outside his cousin's house trying to be as quiet as we could so he dad wouldn't notice. Yes I wore the cutest outfit I had and no it wasn't warm enough for 10 o'clock at night, but he gave me his pullover with "pine view football" on it and nothing mattered after that.

Yes I forgot to hug him when I first saw him on our first date but he still held my hand that entire night around the fair like we had been together for ten years. He watched me every step I took and I forgot about everything in the world that night. He was proud, and my head was spinning.

Yes his dad yelled at him telling him to hold my hand outside the church, and yes his eyelashes are my favorite. 

Yes my hair was a mess and my head and my heart were too tired to put make up on and he told me that's the most beautiful he's seen me. 

Yes I cried in my car in the gas station parking lot after his game because he had to leave and he cupped my face and kissed my tears along my cheeks and in that moment I knew that this is what the songs are about.

Yes I slapped him and screamed at him, and yes he just took it and grabbed me told me he loves me. 
And yes it takes us 45 minutes to say goodbye.

Yes he remembered my favorite flower, and sent a dozen of them to my doorstep. Just because.

Yes our birthday's are 5 days apart, and we live 4 hours away from each other.

Yes when he smiles I feel like we're in kindergarten again, and when he reads me scriptures before we go to bed he is a man.

Yes I'm in love with a running back, a boxer, a weirdo, a laugher, a dancer, a comedian, a giver, a polynesian, and my best friend. 

how to deal with someone who cheated on you

how to deal with someone who cheated on you.

• go dancing
• throw things
• egg car
• wear red lipstick
• watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S
• yell
• eat chocolate
• then go workout
• do squats
• sing b4 he cheats. loud.
• delete #
• burn pictures, letters, gifts, etc.
• slap him. or her. or both.
• cry
• vent(maybe)
• then move on.

we became what we became, not what we wanted

i'm human because somewhere along the way i stopped believing in what i wanted to do and started doing what was easiest. because i believed him when he told me he loved me and wouldn't leave.

because we're all afraid of becoming what we wanted because it wouldn't make our parents proud.
because it wouldn't pay the bills.
because we would have to leave the state and live on our own in this crazy real world. heaven forbid.

well screw the girl with the flower head band with the rich daddy who is most popular but will settle for the BYU returned missionary when she's 19 and has to post an instagram each day just to make her feel secure about herself.
and screw the college coach that said you needed to do this, this, and this to get what you wanted.
and forget the people who said hi to your best friend standing right next you walking down the hall over and over, and over again. not you.
because you have made mistakes, and she hasn't.
and feel bad for the boy who cheated on you but claimed he loved you, and shame on you for ever believing him.
and just because your mom doesn't believe in love because of her divorce, doesn't mean that you can't.

go make mistakes. and stop feeling guilty for them.

because you're human.

i don't understand.

He loves me: Uo ou te alofa ia te oe.

I love you: Ou te alofa ia the oe.

He is happy: Ua fiafia le tam a.

She is happy: Ua fiafia le tam a.

And it's sad because, 

I don't understand: 'Ou te lē mālamalama.

crayons & laughing till our ribs get tough, but that will never be enough.

One day in school a boy made fun of a drawing I made for an assignment. 

Ever since that day I cringe every time I pick up a crayon to draw. 

One day someone made fun of a green shirt I wore. 

I never wore that shirt again. 

One day someone told me to never grow up. 

Now I cry everyday on my birthday. 

I believe that my childhood was and always will be "the best days of my life." I could be a millionaire, become famous, or be the most successful person in the world when I grow up, but none of that could ever compare to being a kid. I feel like when I laugh, I am a child again. It feels so scary getting old. 

I miss being innocent.

i am not alaska young.

steps to be like alaska young:

• be spontaneous 
• be mysterious 
• read lots of books
• be flirty
• have confidence
• be creative 
• live in the moment 
• trust people
• stand up for beliefs
• don't fall in love so quickly
• don't care too much

I am not alaska young.