do's & don'ts

things I don't know:

• what i want
• if we will win
• if we will get married like we plan
• if i can wait 2 years
• my standards on certain things
• if my mom is happy or sad
• if I'm okay or not
• math
• how to go to bed early
• how to wake up in the morning
• if i will move on

things I do know:

• tomorrow is monday
• i don't love mondays
• i am in love
• i have a beating heart
• i didn't kill anybody
• i have never smoked or drank
• i never will
• college changes people
• i like people who have made mistakes way more than people who haven't made as bad of mistakes
• we can win
• i love my mom
• it will be okay
• people aren't as terrible as i think they are
• i still love my dad
• i am successful
• i can still laugh
• it could have been worse
• it's okay to be a teenager every once in a while

the red brick house on the corner

"that red brick house on the corner" I say when people drive me home.

but what they don't know is that in that house is 

where I cried all night in my moms bed after he broke my heart.

where my sister's wedding was with the italian sodas that made me feel happiness when I saw my sister smile that whole day and remembered all the tears when she was growing up get washed away by one man.

where I ran through the sprinklers with my niece & nephew and their laughter was the soundtrack to my summer.

where my parents screamed so loud at each other the walls shook.

and where the place that will always have my heart.

why yes i'm in love

3 a.m. and I rolled over in my bed, bury my face in my white pillow and yelled because I thought maybe that would get the butterflies out. I love him. 4 months and 27 days later, I still yell in my pillow at 3 a.m. trying to get the butterflies out.

Yes I'm only 17, and yes we had our first kiss on the street curb outside his cousin's house trying to be as quiet as we could so he dad wouldn't notice. Yes I wore the cutest outfit I had and no it wasn't warm enough for 10 o'clock at night, but he gave me his pullover with "pine view football" on it and nothing mattered after that.

Yes I forgot to hug him when I first saw him on our first date but he still held my hand that entire night around the fair like we had been together for ten years. He watched me every step I took and I forgot about everything in the world that night. He was proud, and my head was spinning.

Yes his dad yelled at him telling him to hold my hand outside the church, and yes his eyelashes are my favorite. 

Yes my hair was a mess and my head and my heart were too tired to put make up on and he told me that's the most beautiful he's seen me. 

Yes I cried in my car in the gas station parking lot after his game because he had to leave and he cupped my face and kissed my tears along my cheeks and in that moment I knew that this is what the songs are about.

Yes I slapped him and screamed at him, and yes he just took it and grabbed me told me he loves me. 
And yes it takes us 45 minutes to say goodbye.

Yes he remembered my favorite flower, and sent a dozen of them to my doorstep. Just because.

Yes our birthday's are 5 days apart, and we live 4 hours away from each other.

Yes when he smiles I feel like we're in kindergarten again, and when he reads me scriptures before we go to bed he is a man.

Yes I'm in love with a running back, a boxer, a weirdo, a laugher, a dancer, a comedian, a giver, a polynesian, and my best friend. 

how to deal with someone who cheated on you

how to deal with someone who cheated on you.

• go dancing
• throw things
• egg car
• wear red lipstick
• watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S
• yell
• eat chocolate
• then go workout
• do squats
• sing b4 he cheats. loud.
• delete #
• burn pictures, letters, gifts, etc.
• slap him. or her. or both.
• cry
• vent(maybe)
• then move on.

we became what we became, not what we wanted

i'm human because somewhere along the way i stopped believing in what i wanted to do and started doing what was easiest. because i believed him when he told me he loved me and wouldn't leave.

because we're all afraid of becoming what we wanted because it wouldn't make our parents proud.
because it wouldn't pay the bills.
because we would have to leave the state and live on our own in this crazy real world. heaven forbid.

well screw the girl with the flower head band with the rich daddy who is most popular but will settle for the BYU returned missionary when she's 19 and has to post an instagram each day just to make her feel secure about herself.
and screw the college coach that said you needed to do this, this, and this to get what you wanted.
and forget the people who said hi to your best friend standing right next you walking down the hall over and over, and over again. not you.
because you have made mistakes, and she hasn't.
and feel bad for the boy who cheated on you but claimed he loved you, and shame on you for ever believing him.
and just because your mom doesn't believe in love because of her divorce, doesn't mean that you can't.

go make mistakes. and stop feeling guilty for them.

because you're human.

i don't understand.

He loves me: Uo ou te alofa ia te oe.

I love you: Ou te alofa ia the oe.

He is happy: Ua fiafia le tam a.

She is happy: Ua fiafia le tam a.

And it's sad because, 

I don't understand: 'Ou te lē mālamalama.

crayons & laughing till our ribs get tough, but that will never be enough.

One day in school a boy made fun of a drawing I made for an assignment. 

Ever since that day I cringe every time I pick up a crayon to draw. 

One day someone made fun of a green shirt I wore. 

I never wore that shirt again. 

One day someone told me to never grow up. 

Now I cry everyday on my birthday. 

I believe that my childhood was and always will be "the best days of my life." I could be a millionaire, become famous, or be the most successful person in the world when I grow up, but none of that could ever compare to being a kid. I feel like when I laugh, I am a child again. It feels so scary getting old. 

I miss being innocent.